Unemployed Moment of Clarity.

Hello Internet Fans,

Its time for a second blogtastic blog. So if you are reading this I assume you are a friend of mine and know that I am and have been unemployed for the past several months... Either that or you are a potential employer who has googled my name and this popped up. So anyway I have been more than happy to sit around and mooch off the tax payers, but at some point sleeping all day and watching the Food Network gets old. So the job hunt has been kicked into high gear.

Here is the problem I have been running into, I have no skills. I have no formal training to do an actual job. I have no experience other than working at a preschool for four years. I can't work sales because I'm not a slimy douche bag salesman. I have no idea how to interact with other adults so anything that involves human contact is out. And most of all I don't have a college degree so I will not even be considered for most sit around and contribute nothing jobs.

Not that I am really that interested in anything like that. All those job descriptions use phrases like "good team player" "follows instructions well" and "corporate culture". What the fuck is corporate culture? From what I can tell it is the institutionalized worship of money and mediocrity. Really its just smart useless people getting dumb useless people to do useless work that makes everything else a little bit more useless.

Here's the moment of clarity I had. I am a smart useless person. I know it's a rigged system, But I can be an arrogant douche that is completely condescending to everyone else. The reason I don't have a high paying job as an executive somewhere is because none of my friends are highly paid executives. So now my job search has become a search for new friends.

Here is the deal I am making to any corporate types out there, anyone who will vouch for me and get me a job with a title that sounds something like executive vice president of corporate resource management, I will be your best friend. Benefits of my friendship I am hilarious, I will make your bar trivia team a winner, I can keep a secret, and well... well I don't actually know what a friend is suppose to do... Damn it.

From the Terminally Unemployable,
Ted